my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
