Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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