Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
