You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
