I can't breathe out the right side of my face
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
