I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
