i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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