I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
