my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
