also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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