We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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