What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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