We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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