After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
