I'm gonna have a badass scar
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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