remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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