sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
