the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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