Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
