this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
