Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
