just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
