Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
