so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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