i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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