Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
