you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
