I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
