Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
