i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
