im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
