I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
