Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
