i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
