I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
