He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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