I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
