Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
