My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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