I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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