I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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