**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
