we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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