wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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