I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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