whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
