One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
