Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
