i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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