but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've blown a few things in my day
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
