my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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