so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
